No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
