Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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