I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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