My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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