dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
