I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
