She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
