my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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