Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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