I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
