I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
