What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
