from now on my penis is your penis
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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