when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
