Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
