Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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