I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
