So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
