i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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