Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I need to sanitize my soul.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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