So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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