Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
