she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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