apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
