So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
