he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
