2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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