my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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