hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
