I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I AM VODKA MAN
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
