Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
