I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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