When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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