So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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