So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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