mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
