just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
