So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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