he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
