Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Bring me that man meat
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
