The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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