How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
