if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't deserve a penis
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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