No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
