i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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