sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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