I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
