so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
