your room smells of hookers.
And success
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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