It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
