I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
