First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
