Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
