I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
