My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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