Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
