what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
