FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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