I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
