I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
