4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize