dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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