Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
