I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
