I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
